Working Past The Inevitable
by Jaqs
Summary: This is how i see a certain character reacting to Mark's death. Started before the end of the season. Please R&R!!!
1. In A Simple Heartbeat

Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Do you think I'd still be a poor student if they were? 

Notes: I started this ages ago, before the last episodes of the season. I've posted it since elsewhere and people seemed to like it so far, so I thought I may as well share here as well. Not finished at the moment but I will get round to it, promise! Enjoy.

Working Past The Inevitable

Chapter 1: In A Simple Heartbeat

Suppressing a yawn with one hand, I wearily reached out and pushed open the door with the other. Walking through, I noted with some relief that the lounge was empty. I was exhausted and was glad to be spared having to attempt small talk with anyone. Another day was finally over and my thoughts had already turned to running a long, hot bath as soon as I got home. Mmmm…. camomile or jasmine, I pondered, both sounding equally appealing choices of bubble bath. Removing my stethoscope as I approached my locker, I yanked it open and tossed it in. Taking a moment, I let the tiredness wash over me and rested my forehead against the open locker door, closing my eyes for a few blissful seconds.

Unfortunately the silence was shattered all too soon with the swinging open of the door, letting the incessant noise of the ER filter through. Reluctantly, I opened my eyes and twisted my head round to see who had interrupted my all too brief moment of sanctuary. I was met with Abby's trademark smirk as she reached for the coffee pot.

"Off so soon?" She inquired, rolling her eyes melodramatically.

"Please, don't start," I groaned back, "I was led to believe that the end of my residency also meant the end of such crazy hours." Reaching in, I snagged my coat before slamming the door shut and leaned against it, now facing her. She chuckled slightly, took a sip from her mug and wrinkled her nose at the taste before continuing.

"How long have you been an attending now?"

"Near enough five years, why?"

"And this is just you realising you've been duped now? It's the ever-present dangling carrot, Susan. Just wait until you make chief, I hear that by then it will be a breeze." She grinned before taking another sip.

I mock groaned at that, "Yeah right, and Kerry's the perfect advocate for that!" I retorted with a laugh.

She joined in momentarily before sobering up, "Been one hell of a shift, huh?"

"Tell me about it. I could swear there was a production line somewhere and they were getting shipped through the doors on a conveyer belt. That and I've had this really strange feeling nagging at me the past couple of hours."

"What kind of feeling?"

"I don't know. I can't place it really, just something doesn't feel right." I shrugged dismissively and put on my coat. "It doesn't matter, sounds stupid saying it out loud, probably just sleep deprivation or something. How much longer before you're done?" I asked as I slung my bag over my shoulder.

"One hour and counting," she replied with a sigh.

"Well it's quiet now, hopefully it will stay that way."

"Hopefully," she echoed with a tired smile.

"Well that's me, I'm done and outta here!" I said resolutely as I willed my feet to move in the direction of the door. "I have a date with a bubble bath," I tossed over my shoulder with a grin. Just as I was reaching for the door she called out after me.

"Hey! Still on for grabbing a bite tomorrow night?"

I mentally smacked my forehead, annoyed that I'd forgotten and turned back, one hand still on the door. But then, she sounded as if she had just remembered about our plans too. I swear amnesia is a side effect of working in this place.

"Definitely," I nodded with the most enthusiasm my weary body could muster. "What about catching a movie too if there is anything decent on? We're both off at 7 right?"

She nodded affirmatively, "Yeah, a movie would be fun. Anyway go! You don't want to keep that date waiting." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively and dumped the rest of her coffee into the sink before joining me at the door. "And I have sick people waiting, g'night."

We both exited the lounge and she headed towards the drug lock up with a wave. I waved back and watched her retreating form for a second, glad that maybe at least one good thing had come out of that stupid seminar. I think we were both surprised to discover that we had more in common than we thought. Since then, we had both been making the effort to establish a friendship. We were still at the tentative stage, but it was made easier now that Carter was no longer between us. Whether they would ever get together, I didn't know. I honestly didn't have a problem with it and was certainly not going to stand in their way, but as I got to know Abby better, I had come to realise that the same could not be said about Luka. He was not so out of the picture as I had originally thought. It was certainly a tangled web and I was just glad that I was no longer a part of it. I suspected that Abby didn't really know what, or who, she wanted, but I did know that she needed a friend – an impartial friend, and I was willing to find out if that could be me. 

I shook my head sadly at the situation, hoping that whatever the outcome, Carter didn't get too hurt. But right then, I didn't have the energy to think about it anymore, my only thought was to get myself home. Thinking about friendship make me think about Mark. I made a mental note to give them a quick call in Hawaii to check on how he was doing before going to bed, as I headed towards the door.

"Dr. Lewis, phone for you!" Randi's voice caught up with me as I was about to leave. I sighed and refused to stop.

"I'm off Randi, get someone else to take it."

"Dr Lewis… Susan!" She hollered, more forceful this time, causing me to reluctantly stop and turn round.

"What? I asked accusingly. I couldn't see why someone else who was actually still _working _couldn't get it. She took a deep breath before answering and now that I took a good look at her, she seemed upset.

"It's Dr. Corday. She wants to talk to you or Dr. Weaver." She answered, her voice barely audible over the noise around us.

And there it was. In a simple heartbeat, my world was altered forever.

That same feeling I had felt earlier came back and crashed over me in a wave, threatening to overwhelm. I couldn't move - could barely breathe as I processed what she had said. She stared back at me, the phone clutched to her chest, neither one of us willing or able to voice our fears. Gradually I broke out of the paralytic state I was gripped in and make my way back towards the desk. In my heart I already knew what I was about to hear. In my heart I already felt that a part of me had died. Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I gripped the desk and forced myself to be strong. For Elizabeth's sake as much as my own, I had to pick up that damn phone and hear the inevitable. With a deep breath I took it off her and answered, my voice a monotone.

"It's Susan… I… yes… no, I thought so… I'll let them know… right, I'll call you tomorrow morning… yes, that's the number I have… ok, and Elizabeth? …Take care of yourself, of all three of you… yes, goodnight." I replaced the receiver and closed my eyes briefly, swallowing back the horrible taste of bile in my mouth. I opened them again to be met with Randi's questioning gaze. She knew already, could see it in my face, but she still looked at me for confirmation, hoping she was wrong. I sadly nodded, a single tear escaping and rolling down my cheek.

"This afternoon. Would you… could you let everyone…" I trailed off, unable to finish, but she understood and nodded slowly. "I'm really sorry, but I can't… stay here. I need to go." By this time more tears were threatening to escape and I backed away from the desk, needing fresh air. Abby approached from behind Randi and stopped when she saw me, concerned.

"Susan? What's wrong?"

I shook my head, continuing to back away and looked into the two sets of eyes on me: one showing confusion, the other echoing the sorrow of my own.

"I have to go," I repeated, by now at the doors and narrowly missed and incoming gurney. Turning round I stumbled into the ambulance bay and gasped for air, hands on my knees. After a few seconds I straightened and forced my unsteady legs to carry me away and into the night.


	2. Gone To Soon

Disclaimer in chapter 1

Working Past The Inevitable

Chapter 2: Gone Too Soon 

Somehow, I have no idea how; I managed to walk in the right direction. I stopped and looked around, taking in my surroundings for the first time in half an hour, surprised to find myself standing in my street. My mind for the most part was a blank, punctuated every so often with flashes of memories, fleeting and brief. Ice skating, on the swings with Susie, getting stuck in that damn elevator, being coerced into coming back to work at County… They were all good images, the bad ones being hazy and hard to picture, not that I tried particularly hard to see them. Shivering slightly I knew in the back of my mind that I was in shock and I should get inside before it got any colder. With shaking hands I groped in my bag for my keys as I stumbled towards the door. I couldn't find them and panicked slightly before stopping and forcing myself to take a deep breath and try to be rational. I couldn't believe how much this had affected me – it's not as if I wasn't expecting it. I'd been to see him at home a couple of times before he left for Hawaii, we had already effectively said goodbye. I had known I would never see him again, had reconciled and prepared for this; or so I thought. Guess all the rational thoughts in the world can't prepare you for the loss of your best friend. 

Finally I located my keys and after a few shaky attempts, managed to let myself in. I climbed the stairs to my apartment slowly, not caring enough to collect my mail on the way up. I opened the door to my apartment, this time with a slightly steadier hand, and entered, slamming the door behind me in a flash of anger. It left as quickly as it came, I didn't have the energy to sustain it, and slumped back against the now closed door, allowing the silent tears to fall.

"Why him?" I whispered in the dark, pleading with anyone or anything out there willing to listen to me. Why him? He still had so much left to give, so many people down here needed him, me being one of the last in a long line before me; Ella, Rachel, Elizabeth… the hospital and even the endless swarms of patients that crashed through our doors. I wiped my eyes and pushed myself up and away from the door. Shrugging out of my coat, I hung it up and wandered through the still dark apartment, making my way towards the kitchen for some much needed caffeine, flicking the computer on automatically as I passed. I stopped, realising what I had done and moved to switch it back off again, checking my email was the least of my worries right then. However something stopped me, my hand inches away from the switch. Maybe routine is what I needed, some semblance of normality even if it was merely checking mail. I needed something familiar to ground me, so I left the computer to boot and carried on towards the kitchen. 

I flicked on the light, immediately wincing at the glare inflicted on my now red and puffy eyes. Starting the coffee as quickly as I could and setting out a cup, I switched the light back off and went back into the lounge. I couldn't handle the bright light, the darkness better suiting my temperament. Carrying on into my bedroom I peeled my work clothes off and searched about for some sweats, a bath no longer holding the same appeal as it did earlier. I felt so lost and alone in the still silence of the apartment, he really was well and truly gone. I shuddered as a sob threatened to escape, determined not to start crying again, knowing that if I did, I would still be sobbing when morning came. 

By now the coffee sounded almost ready and on my way back through I noticed the red light of the machine was blinking at me. I reluctantly pressed play, not really wanting to know who it was and the silence was broken with that annoying voice that told me I had three new messages. I let it play and moved away to get my coffee. The machine beeped angrily and I heard Abby's voice fill the room.

"Hi, uh it's Abby. God, I…… Randi told me, told everyone. The hospital…it's kinda surreal, awful… you were right to get out when you did…. I know you were close to him Susan. I'm so sorry, it's just…..I.. I'm here if you want to, y'know, talk. I…eh…. I should be home not too long after you get this. Please call me, let me know you're ok…"

Ok? I snorted, *sure I'm just swell!* I thought, immediately regretting it. That wasn't fair, she was only trying to help, and deep down beyond my bitterness, I was actually touched that she had phoned. But I wasn't up to phoning her, I had no idea what to say. Feeling slightly guilty I decided to phone in the morning. The machine beeped and it was time for caller number two.

"Susan? If you're there pick up. It's John…uh Carter. I…. I just found out…. Please, just call me."

This time I felt even guiltier, he must be going through hell as well, but again I'd speak to him tomorrow. Beeep…

"Susie honey, it's your mother. Just to let you know that your dad and I have decided to go on vacation at Christmas this year so we won't be around for the holidays. If there's anything you can think of that you want for Christmas let me…" I angrily jabbed at the stop button and silenced her. 

"Oh shut…the….fuck…up….Cookie! For Christ sake it's barely summer!" How the hell did she always manage to make me want to scream and tear my hair out??? Christmas presents are the last fucking thing on my mind. I growled and yanked the phone cord out the wall and flung myself on the sofa in frustration. Looking at my watch I saw that it was almost midnight, seven whole hours before work and I knew I wasn't going to sleep anytime soon. I just felt so damn… numb. Numb and angry. It was such a waste of life, gone too soon. I grabbed the remote, and flicked on the TV, determined to find a distraction.

For nearly an hour I lay there, the darkness broken only by the hazy light emitted from the TV. I had flicked through the channels I don't know how many times. Nothing was able to hold my attention, not that I really expected anything to. My thoughts were a sea of memories and regrets: all the things we had said and done in the past, all the things we hadn't. I found myself wondering what could have been, what might have happened if I hadn't gotten on that train. But the 'what ifs' meant nothing now and I chided myself for allowing my thoughts to go down that road. I've never stopped loving him, but he'd moved on, we both had to some extent. He was lucky enough to find happiness elsewhere in Elizabeth and for that I'm eternally grateful. He was a good man, the best I knew and I would never grudge him that. Suddenly a thought struck me and I sat up quickly. I couldn't think of anything tangible that I had to remember him by other than memories and a couple of photos that we had taken years ago in the carnival booth. My chest tightened and my breathing laboured as I panicked slightly. I needed more, more time, more everything. Dammit! I had the urge to scream, but it came out nothing more than a strangled sob. Maybe I shouldn't be there alone; perhaps I should have called either Abby or Carter back. I needed some kind of diversion or else I was just going to sit there, my mind going round in circles until I couldn't feel any more sorry for myself. 

I stretched in an attempt to rid my body from the stiffness caused by lying on the couch and stood up gingerly. Wiping the tears from my eyes as I turned, I caught sight of the computer and remembered my earlier resolve to check my mail. It was as good a diversion as any so I approached the desk and sat down to see if there was anything that could take my mind off Mark and cheer me up slightly. 

My inbox popped up and what I saw there, nestled amongst the junk mail was something that made my heart stop for the second time that evening - an email from one M. Greene.


End file.
